DMC Quickies
by StarvedArtist
Summary: Just a few funny stories starring our favorite DMC characters! Please read and review!
1. Fun With Mexican Food

A/N: My friend and me were up late at night on a sleep over and with the combo of sleep deprivation and caffeine we came up with some pretty funny ideas. I only have a couple written so far, but I'll get the rest soon! Hope you like! Oh and please R/R! On with the show!  
  
Fun With Mexican Food  
  
Deep in the heart of the all to cheery Xel- Ha Mexican Restaurant, Dante, Vergil, and Trish surrounded a small, tile covered table arguing over which dishes were the best.  
  
"I want the Gumbo Caliente'!" Trish whined incessantly. Dante and Vergil rolled their eyes. Vergil figured he should probably explain to her what the little peppers on the side meant, since she managed to pick the hottest thing on the menu. He didn't want to put up with her whining later when her mouth was burning and she was crying. That was Dante's department.  
  
"Trish, you don't understand," he began. He let out a heavy sigh before he continued. "See the little flaming peppers?"  
  
Trish looked confused. "What peppers?"  
  
Tension built between Vergil's eyes. "Those peppers, right there next to the name of the dish."  
  
"Where?" She looked dumbfounded.  
  
"There." He pointed trying not to lose his temper.  
  
"Here?" She cocked her head to the side.  
  
"No there." It was getting difficult to retain the tension.  
  
"Those?" She gave and idiotic smile.  
  
"No dammit! The peppers! Right there!" He lost it. How could she not understand!?  
  
"Oooooooooohhh! Those peppers! What about 'um?" She sat and looked curiously at Vergil.  
  
Dante put his hands behind his head and leaned back against the wall. He knew this would take some time. Trish really wasn't that stupid, she just liked getting under Verg's skin. Too bad Verg didn't know that,  
  
15 Minutes Later  
  
"Sooo....what do the little peppers mean again?" Trish gave and innocent smile.  
  
"God dammit! You little slut! Why is this so hard!?"  
  
The recent shouts brought Dante out of his spacey void and back to attention. Not only were Trish and Vergil still battling, but also he could see the waitress talking to a short bald man and pointing to their table. Normally, Dante would let them keep going, he thought it was rather funny, but this time he was hungry, so he decided to step in.  
  
"Just drop it, Verg. She's not getting' it. Why don't you just let her order it? If she burns herself it'll be her own fault. Besides I'm hungry and the manager looks 'bout ready to throw us out." He leaned over. "You guys are kinda loud 'ya know."  
  
Vergil gave an agitated sigh. "Fine. Order it." He waved his hand at Trish, who bounced happily in her seat, knowing she just won the battle. Dante stared at her and shook his head. She looked up at him, smiled, then winked.  
  
10 Minutes Later  
  
At last the food was ordered, which took forever because Vergil insisted upon making a scene with the waitress. He made the waitress extremely angry with his "I have to have all the dressings on the side" bit and the fact that he made a point of saying that she shouldn't have been paying so much attention to their argument earlier. Dante saw a sickening similarity to "When Harry Met Sally". He couldn't help but laugh. When everyone turned to look at him, he put his hands up in an "I surrender" gesture and continued to laugh, only this time, more to himself.  
  
5 Minutes Later  
  
Just as Dante's stomach began to growl, their food was brought to them. He noticed that, quite curiously, it was brought by at different waitress, who had a very worried expression on her face. He couldn't help but grin a little. He looked up and saw Trish clapping happily and licking her lips as her bowl of gumbo was placed in front of her. A plate of quesadillas with cheese was placed in front of him, but he continued to watch Trish with a somber expression. Vergil ignored his burrito and also sat watching Trish. Both of them continued watching her as she began to devour the gumbo. Silently Dante counted down the seconds until the eruption that he knew would soon come.  
  
3.........2........1.........0.........  
  
"OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS ARE SO MEAN! WAITRESS GET ME SOME MORE WATER! HOT HOT HOT HOOOOOOOOT!!!"  
  
In unison, Dante and Vergil silently scooted their water towards Trish and rolled their eyes. Having done all they were willing to do for her right now, they began eating. Trish continued to scream and whine and, Dante's personal favorite, started to hold her tongue and rub ice on it.  
  
Mumbling, "So hot. Can't feel my tongue. They're gonna pay for this. Ow! So hot." 


	2. Trish's Magical Fountain

A/N: This one also came from me and my friend all high up on caffeine and sleep deprivation! Hope you like it! (Sorry to the Trish lovers, but this one also bashes her!) Please read and review!  
  
Trish's Magical Fountain  
  
"Trish, wake up!"  
  
Trish moaned slightly and covered her eyes with her hand from the blinding rays of sunlight. Her head hurt really bad. She had been fighting dozens of those freaking marionettes last night, who knew where Dante had been. He knew better than to wake her up early after a night like that. He would be punished later.  
  
"Dante I'm gonna hurt you. Why the hell are you waking me up?"  
  
She opened her eyes to a brightly wrapped package sitting on the bed. Behind it she could see Dante's forehead and eyes peeking over.  
  
He chuckled. "I bought you a present!"  
  
(Oh lord what is he up to now?) "A present for me? Really?"  
  
He shook his head up and down. "Yup!" He gave a self-satisfied grin.  
  
Trish sat up and snatched the package away from Dante. She gave him a warning glare, letting him know now that he would suffer if this were a joke of some kind. She unwrapped the package and found a white box with "tranquility fountain" written across the side. She gave him a questioning look.  
  
"A fountain?" She cocked one eyebrow at him.  
  
"Yup! I thought it might cool you down or sooth you or whatever the hell you call it." He smirked at her and chuckled slightly.  
  
Trish sat and stared at him in confusion. "Ummm.... Okay. Thanks."  
  
Again he smiled and chuckled. He nodded at her and slowly walked out of the room, never taking his eyes off of her as he left.  
  
(What's his problem? He's never this cheerful all at once. Well never at all really.) Trish looked down at the box. I t looked normal and it smelled okay. Feeling more at ease now she opened the box and pulled out the directions, which were lying on top. Reading and following them carefully, she assembled the tiny fountain. She put the batteries in, which Dante had taped inside, she put the little stones in their spots and all that was left was to put the water in, which Dante had also brought for her.  
  
Meanwhile in the hallway outside Dante waits and watches through the crack of the door, clutching a camera in his hand. His body shook with laughter, though he knew he would be a dead man when Trish got through with him.  
  
Water finally in and checked off of Trish's mental list all that was left to do was turn it on and begin the relaxation.  
  
3.................2.....................1....................  
  
"Aaaaaaaaahhh!" Trish shrieked and frantically waved her hands as a thin jet of cold water shot out from the fountain and hit her square in the face. Just at that moment Dante burst through the door carrying a camera and yelling, "Cheese!" He snapped a picture of Trish, cold, wet and extremely angry.  
  
"Damn, Trish! What happened to you!?" He couldn't stop laughing as Trish scowled at him from the bed. "You look like a drowned rat!"  
  
Silently Trish plotted out her revenge. He would pay. Not only would she beat the crap out of him, but she would catch him off guard and when he least expected it she would get him. Then he would know what suffering was. She giggled silently at the thought. 


	3. Curiosity Killed the Devils

A/N: Sorry I took so long getting the next fic up but I was actually socializing for once! = D Well anyway the next one is a "childhood" one where Dante and Vergil are about 15 or 16 and Sparda and Eva are still alive and well. Oh yeah and Trish is a childhood friend living near by, but I don't think she'll be in this fic, maybe another one... I don't know yet. Once again please review! Enjoy. ; )  
  
Curiosity Killed the Devils  
  
"I wonder what that 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' stuff is made from. If it's not butter than what is it?" Dante, sitting next to Vergil on their beloved family room couch, made a curious face. Vergil could tell that this mystery was really getting to him. It figures, that's just the kind of thing that would bother him. "I don't know. Probably some type of artificial stuff. Ya know it's probably half preservatives." "Oh." Both sat in silence on the couch, mystery now solved thanks to Vergil. They were quite bored and they couldn't go anywhere since their parents went out for some "alone time". Alone time, yeah right. They just wanted to go somewhere where Dante and Vergil couldn't hear them and their activities. Both Dante and Vergil had bad memories relating to their parents "activities".  
Right now Vergil could be watching a documentary on the Pride Lions, but oh nooo, Dante had to go and get angry at a commercial and break the freaking T.V. Vergil tensed at the thought of Dante throwing a coaster at the television. Yeah that's right, a coaster. Dante's occasional outbursts were a normal thing to Vergil. He'd grown up with them all his life. Still Dante did not understand that some things were a bit fragile and would break. That concept just never seemed to sink in for him.  
Dante sighed and picked up a magazine off the coffee table. It was a copy of Vogue, his mother's obviously. He began to absentmindedly flip threw it looking at the pictures and reading advertisements for upcoming movies. Then he flipped to a page for a spa that was having a special on bikini waxing and that made him think once again. He had remembered hearing his mother complain with her friends about waxing and he always wondered why. It couldn't possibly hurt that bad. He had had things impale him and worse, it couldn't possibly hurt that bad. Maybe his mom was just being bitchy, who knows. Come on, it couldn't be that bad.  
"Verg?" Vergil winced at hearing his name again. He hesitated before answering another of Dante's random, not to mention stupid questions.  
  
He gave in. "Hmmm?"  
  
"Why do women always complain about waxing? It can't possibly hurt as bad as they say it does?"  
  
"How should I know? It's not like I do it! What stupid question!" Actually, Vergil himself often wondered about this. And, truth be told, he didn't know why it would hurt that much. It would be like ripping a band-aid off. Both sat in silence contemplating the current issue at hand. That's when Dante got his idea.  
  
"Hey Verg? I think Ma has some of the stuff in her bathroom." Vergil looked at him, puzzled.  
  
"And?"  
  
"And...we could see what the big deal is." Vergil stared at him with a questioning look. Dante just gave him a devilish grin. After a few seconds Vergil returned the grin.  
  
"Hell, I don't have anything better to do."  
  
They both stood and made their way upstairs to Sparda and Eva's bathroom. In their mother's drawer they found two bikini waxing kits. Both took one and went to their rooms down the hall. Dante carefully opened the box and read the directions. He got as far as applying the linen strip to a thin line of wax when he thought to ask Vergil how he was doing.  
  
"Hey Verg! Did you do it yet!?" He didn't hear and answer so he called out again. "Verg!?" That's when he heard it. A small, hoarse whisper coming from Vergil's room.  
  
"Don't...do....it....don't...do ..." And then it stopped.  
  
Ignoring Vergil's warning, Dante looked down at his bare bottom half and at the linen strip plastered to his skin, all ready to go.  
  
"Well, here we go. 1.....2.....3..." He ripped off the strip in one fast motion.........  
  
Sparda and Eva came home from their evening out to a quiet home. Eva went to put her jacket and purse away, while Sparda went to find their sons.  
  
"Guys? We're home! Where are you?!" He climbed the stairs to the second floor and went looking for his troublesome sons. Reaching the top he went to Dante's room first. There he found Dante in his room, on his bed curled in a tight ball, eyes red and swollen.  
  
"Dante? What's the matter?" Then he looked down and saw the waxing kit on the floor next to his feet.  
  
"Oh God no! You didn't?!" He looked up at Dante who nodded his head without saying a word. "What about Vergil?" Dante nodded again. "Did you bleed?" Nod. "Are you gonna just stay up here?" Nod. "Jeez you're crazy." Nod.  
  
Sparda went to Vergil's room next, leaving Dante to wallow in his own shame. He found the other son in much the same position.  
  
"You too, huh?" Nod. "Well....you just.....stay where you are. I'll clean this up before your mother finds out." Nod. Sparda then proceeded to pick up the contents in both the boys rooms and put them back where they belonged and then went downstairs where he found Eva examining the television set.  
  
"What's the problem?"  
  
She let out an exasperated sigh. "Oh I don't know. The boys must've done something to it. It won't turn on. By the way, where are they?"  
  
Sparda froze. "Uh.... They were upstairs lying down."  
  
"Lying down? Is their something wrong? They never go to bed before midnight on a regular day much less a weekend." She looked at the watch adorning her wrist. "It's only eight o'clock."  
  
"Well....they said they were tired. I told them we'd leave them be so they could sleep."  
  
"Hmm." Eva looked really suspicious.  
  
The next morning, Dante woke in the same tight ball he had fallen asleep in. The familiar numbness in his lower region let him know that it wasn't just a bad dream. He tried to move and found that when he did all sensitivity was magnified by ten. He would just have to move very slowly.  
Meanwhile, in the next room, Vergil woke feeling much the same, save for the fact the he actually to time to look at the pained area, which was now a deep shade of scarlet. He couldn't believe that he had actually been stupid enough to do such a thing to himself. Boy, this would be hard to explain to Sparda.  
  
Both the boys clambered down the stairs, trying to remain as stiff as possible. They both limped into the kitchen where their parents were. They were both at the sink washing dishes or something. Obviously they had been more interested in each other until the boys came. Sparda quickly removed his hand from Eva's backside and sat down at the kitchen table. The boys joined him, very carefully and began eating the bowls of cereal their mother had placed before them. She left and went into the family room where she began to tidy up.  
  
"Hey, where's the coaster that's supposed to be over here!?" Dante and Vergil glanced at each other. Sparda lowered the book he was reading and glared at them. Both of his sons gave him a nervous smirk and returned to their breakfast. Sparda shook his head and resumed reading. 


End file.
